Skip to content

Week 25 // Let Go

Portrait_Week24cI’ve felt this way a lot lately… like I am just beginning to walk out into a great big unknown. Like it is time to loosen my grip from the past and begin to step into the present and embrace life more fully. My life since my fiancé died has been a huge unknown – but for the better part of of these two years I have been in hibernation. I have, in a strange way, carved out a comfortable existence living within the beauty of my past. And it can be easy to want to stay there. I cannot see anything concrete ahead of me for my future after all. To face walking out into the vastness – with a fear that I will be alone and that his love will not follow – quite frankly, it scares the hell out of me.

And on another level, I have known for a while I need to start to build a community of photographers and galleries around me to continue to grow as an artist. This too scares the hell out of me, because it means everything to me. To take my images – which are very much a part of my soul – out into the scrupulous art world in bigger cities feels incredibly vulnerable. To walk out into that means that I have no clue what the landscape will look like or where it will take me. That’s scary for any artist.

But the past few months have been different. I have felt deep in my bones a push to move forward. It feels strangely automatic – like my soul is gently prodding me that it is time. And also a little bit like he is telling me so too. But it isn’t something I’ve been ready for at all. Cue the freaks outs and fears and tears that have run rampant in me for months now. It’s a daily struggle that few in my life have even known is going on.

There is a tremendous amount of pain in accepting that its time to let go, and begin to step out into this big unknown future that I must create now. The struggle has been in the fear that if I let go of whatever small solid ground I feel like I have, that I will lose my connection to him and perhaps to myself in a way.

I want to be clear here, by “let go” I do not mean let go of him. I think people get this confused… that somehow we got the meaning of this phrase all mixed up with the idea of letting go of a person. It doesn’t have anything to do with that. Why would anyone want us to let go or someone whom we love and who brings beauty into our world even after they have died? Of course not. The phrase “let go” is about trust. It means to let go of the fear. The fear of losing our connection to them. The fear that we are incapable of handling what’s ahead.

So that is place I have been for the past few months, the next lesson that I have been asked to learn I suppose. Trusting enough to let go. Learning it has meant being caught between this paralyzing fear of losing more and this insatiable pull to embrace my future and create more. It has meant learning to choose trust when I really want to choose fear… because I find trust is often more about a decision to commit than anything. This part of the journey has brought me to this image. To this new place where I’m gaining enough strength to decide to let go and trust… both in the unknown and in the idea that he will be with me no matter where life takes me, for all my years to come.

3 Comments Post a comment
  1. Carrie #

    Beautiful piece and photograph, Sarah! I so relate to your words. I find myself in that in between place right now, trying so hard to trust and feeling so fearful, as if if I step forward, I will lose again. My head knows that my love will go with me. My heart is not convinced. I don’t think the people around me know the internal battle that is raging. I just love your work. Thank you for sharing it and HUGS to you.

    Thursday, September 18, 2014
  2. Claudia #

    Beautiful, Sarah. Both the photo and the words. You are so brave to put out there the feelings that all of us who have lost someone important must feel. Our paths are parallel. <3

    Friday, September 19, 2014

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Week 14 of Loving Somali: Beauty beyond comprehension | Loving Language

Drop me a line!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Backcountry Mentor

Sharing Knowledge of Wild Places

happy buddha breathing

Be real. Breathe deep. Live life.

12 Months of Creativity

Lessons on life as an artist

a wee bit warped

Art by Shelly Massey

strata of the self

an exploration of our selves in images and text

Adam Robert Young

Musings on photography, life, and the pursuit of Nutella macarons

L2ny's Weblog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

My Painted Life

musings on painting and parenting, love and life

JamesMSama.com

Bringing dignity and integrity back to dating & relationships.

Loving Language

Learning languages and connecting with others.

MindMedicine Blog

Professional Golfer & Mind Coach in Life & Professional Sport...

Stitch Snap Sketch

crafting a pretty and handmade life

Cultivating "Happy"

My Journey Into Healthier, More Purposeful Living

%d bloggers like this: