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Week 18 // Battle On

Portrait_Week18

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“I just want to crawl out of my own skin” is a thing I said often in the first weeks and months after he died. For the whole first year really. That was my existence much of the time. Every cell of my body – every hair, every pore, every organ, was reverberating a constant and loud message of denial. Every cell of me, bumping up against the truth at every turn, abrasively, painfully. And then violently pushing and pushing, trying to thrust the truth out of my world. No, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO NO, NO!!!… vibrating loudly within every inch of me, trying to fight off a reality too painful, too unbelievable to comprehend. This single aspect of his death was by far the most agonizing of all.

I have wanted to create this image for almost a year now. It came to be randomly one day, just an image in my mind, and I knew that it needed to be made. Sometimes I find I need to sit with these visuals a while though, until I feel the time is right to create them. After a session with my grief coach this week, I instantly knew it was time.

I was describing to him my experience of joining the gym – how working out each day and watching my body change and become stronger has so deeply empowered me on so many other levels. And I said to him… “I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have in my life”. He had to repeat it to me in fact, just to make certain I grasped the sheer magnitude of that statement. And he was right… wow. Because just two years ago, I wanted to crawl out of my skin. That is when I knew it was time for this one to happen.

There’s something else I feel I need to share here too. When I sat down in front of this final image tonight to write about it, I was so overwhelmed by how much of my past it spoke of…

I was in an abusive relationship in my early twenties, several years before meeting my fiancé. It was another extremely dark time in my life, and a very lonely one. What I did not expect to find in this image tonight, was part of that story, too. Not only the fear and pain of that past, but also the inner strength that came out of it. Because when I look at the woman in this image… she has not only been through the unbelievable pain of losing the love of her life. She has – at a much earlier time of her life – been pushed and intimidated and made to feel small and forgotten and scared and alone. She has been made to feel worthless and shameful and flawed at her very core.

The woman in this image has been through all of that. And she has fought with every inch of her life for nearly a decade to heal all of these pains. She has fought to become strong so that she could guard herself well enough to remain soft. She is now a woman who is never pushed nor intimidated, and who does not tolerate anyone who makes her or others feel small. She knows her worth, she is not ashamed of who she is or where she comes from, and she knows she is beauty at her very core. She knows how brightly she can shine.

We all have our own story like this. We all have the battles that we have fought, or are fighting through right now. The pains that break down our doors and leaves us battered and bruised. The pain that makes our very foundation of a future crumble beneath our feet. Even if it cannot be seen on the skin… all of it still lies within me, and within you. And I hope that when you meet such pain that you stand up when it knocks you down. That you square your shoulders and look it right in the eye. That you are mindful of what you can gain from it – strength, wisdom, and a radiant inner beauty that surpassed anything you ever imagined yourself to be.

If you’re new to this project, you can read more about it in this post. Or to see the full image gallery visit 2014 PROJECT. Please share with anyone who you feel can relate to the imagery, my hope is that it gives many others a visual for something they are going through in their own lives.

10 Comments Post a comment
  1. Brilliant. The image, the story, and your fierceness. I see the Warrior Woman emerging – one who has been through the fire and is standing strong on the other side.

    Friday, July 4, 2014
  2. Love the strength and beauty that is shining through with you Sarah from all you have been through in your young life. Your post is helping me recognize and embrace all I have been through and begin seeing all those experiences and myself in a different light. Blessings!! xo

    Friday, July 4, 2014
  3. AnneMarie #

    Your photographic representation is breathtakingly creative, profound and meaningful on so many levels: physical, spiritual, emotional and visceral as is your story. Battle on with pride and hope for the future!

    Friday, July 4, 2014
  4. What a soul touching post, Sarah. Love the image. Love the artist. Blessings!

    Friday, July 4, 2014
  5. Barbara Michel #

    As always Sarah, I am deeply moved and inspired by your post and your photography. This image is especially powerful! Your journey is unique and yet universal, and I feel a tangible connection to you, as so many do. We all have pain in it’s various forms in this human life… I believe it to be one of our greatest teachers. As you are healing and empowering yourself, you are helping others to do the same! Love and blessings to you…

    Saturday, July 5, 2014
  6. Oh my Sarah…The is post is so strong and bold…and you express it as it needs to be said. Your journey has opened us all up to the knowing that death and pain and vulnerability can create us anew…stronger…more knowing and able to teach what we’ve learned. Thank you for every post… Each one so beautiful and so hard to read at times… It’s life…and you show us more…

    Sunday, July 6, 2014
  7. gowithefloww #

    I love your constructive defiance; it’s inspirational to me. It’s a good thing we can affirm someone – ourselves and other seekers – and say ‘No!’ to defeat and discouragement.

    Tuesday, July 8, 2014
    • “constructive defiance” man, that is becoming my new favorite phrase! Thank you so much!

      Thursday, July 10, 2014
  8. yes, yes, yes! Love you warrior woman ;)
    Laly

    Wednesday, July 9, 2014

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