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Week 12 // Waiting

Portrait_Week12

If you’ve ever lost anyone very dear to you – particularly in a sudden way – you know what it is like to sit waiting for your old life to return. This place is your world between worlds. Your threshold of this life and the afterlife where your loved one is. The edge of the life you were dropped into and the life you had when they were here. Trying to see the past. Wishing to reach it. In grief, we spend many months and even years standing on this threshold… wishing for our old life to return.

I spent much of first year after Drew died in this place… waiting, hoping, begging for his return. Still a part of me doesn’t understand what happened – and waits there. I know this because I continue to have dreams in which my subconscious makes up all number of reasons for why he is not here, trying to process it. No matter how much I embrace this very different but equally beautiful life I was left with, no matter how many beautiful and joyful things have happened in the past two years… still part of me waits. And maybe, I think, a small part of me always will be waiting there for him to return.

 

8 Comments Post a comment
  1. Anne #

    Love!

    Monday, April 28, 2014
  2. Your words speak to me so clearly. I am also standing on that edge, trying to reach back into my old life. The life where I had my Mum, where I could see her face, hear her voice, touch her hand. I don’t feel I can ever stop waiting for that life to return, even though I know it never will. It is still so soon, only 4 months have past. I have yet to cope with her birthday, Mothers Day, all the days both small and large when she should be there. Knowing she won’t be, no matter how much I wish it, is something I’m not sure I’ll ever fully comprehend

    Monday, April 28, 2014
    • So sad to read your words. I’m a Mum, too, (although it’s Mom here!). My girls and I are really close, and the thought of them mourning me is nearly unbearable. I want them always to be happy. I want them to dance (knowing the song: “I Hope You Dance”). That’s why I believe that although you will never replace your Mum, she’s with you now knowing you will one day come out of your sadness and be happy. She’ll be there then, too. How could a Mum leave her children? You feel alone and it hurts really badly, and as a Mum I wish I could help you. So I send you a message that a loving Mum would send: I love you. You are not alone. You are beautiful. Remember that you deserve happiness. Look at the beauty around you. Live big.
      Love,
      another mum

      Wednesday, April 30, 2014
      • Oh Sam, your words made me cry (because of all the love). You may not have known, I lost my mom when I was very young (only 9) also. I have been blessed with many other moms in my life since then – most recently, my fiancee’s mom. We have leaned on each other through the loss of him. She’s as much a mother to me as my own. Even still, your message hit that place in me that always misses my own mom. This wasn’t even meant for me, but it meant so much to me. THANK YOU <3

        Wednesday, April 30, 2014
    • Dear Friend, I hate that I know your journey. I lost my own mother when i was very young – and my father also by 26. It changed my life forever. It changed ME forever. I try to think of what could possible be the thing to tell you in this early place of pain. I promise you, it will NOT hurt this bad forever. I promise you, that she will NEVER leave your side. I promise you that you will not forget all the beauty and memories – not even 20 years later – some memories will STILL be as clear as a movie in your mind for all your time. So don’t be afraid of losing all that. You cannot.

      Allow her to fuel you forward. Allow her death to change your life irrevocably in a positive way. Allow her stand beside you – believe with all of you that she is beside you – and in doing so you will NEVER be without her. It has been over 20 years now since I lost my mom (i was only 9), but she has touched every single part of my life and who I am even without being physically here. She is STILL shaping who I am and who I am becoming. She is still guiding me, keeping me safe, and showing me the way. Your mum will too – I know it. All my love to you <3

      Wednesday, April 30, 2014
      • Dear Sam and Sarah,
        Thank you so much for your kind words.
        Sam, as I was reading your message tears started streaming down my face..because I know you are right. My Mum loved me with all her heart. She wanted only happiness for me, and will never truly leave :)
        Sarah, I hate that you know this feeling, it sounds as though you have know far too much grief already. It is a comfort to hear you say some memories will never fade, I think I am a little afraid I will forget the small things. How she smelt, the feel of her super-frizzy hair. Her death has already changed me in so many ways. I will never be quite the same person I was.
        All my love and strength to you both xx

        Saturday, May 3, 2014
  3. Painfully beautiful. Love.

    Wednesday, April 30, 2014
  4. Hi Sarah, I was so happy to see that you were posting again early this year. I have loved seeing your photos arriving in my email inbox over the last few months. This one is possibly my favourite yet – the small detail of you holding on to the barbed wire at the top of the fence, rather than the smooth wire just below it, really punches this one home for me.

    I know that these photos come from a place of deep pain, and I am in awe of you being able to draw something so beautiful out of that place, then to share it with others and touch them in turn with your pictures and words. The comments under your posts speak to that, and to your inner strength as a person. You are an inspiration and I look forward to following your continued journey. All the best to you.

    Saturday, May 3, 2014

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